Couples Counseling Part 1: Imago Dialogue

A little over one month and four sessions into our couples counseling and it’s already been a huge help. Our main goal was to learn how to communicate under stress and how to talk out issues rather than get heated, argue and consequently hurt each other emotionally.

After our first session, I was thinking “heck yeah, these new tools are gonna do it, this is going to be a game changer!” But what I naively forgot about was… practice. I was kind of thinking we would put these new tools into place and that would be our new normal; but, we are basically re-learning how to communicate and that is going to take TONS and TONS of practice. 

I want to share with y’all the new dialogue style we are practicing and how it’s going!

First and Foremost -- S L O W  D O W N

We tend to talk faster and listen less when we get riled up. Even when we're not the one talking, we have a natural tendency to be preparing our next point instead of listening - especially if we are on the defense. That blocks us from truly listening to our partner’s perspective, thoughts and feelings, which is all our partner wants in that moment. 

It’s not all that easy, but it’s vital for healthy communication. So take a beat between each other’s point of view to really take in what they are saying -  it could be the difference between talking something out and starting a full-on argument.

Give it a try! I’d also suggest talking to your partner about trying to slow down before your next “talk” so it doesn’t catch them off guard or make them feel like you are grasping for the upper hand in the moment. You both need to be on board. 

To go even deeper, the following three steps are part of a communication tool called the “Imago Dialogue” originally conceived by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen Hunt. These steps are put in play when both parties are emotionally and mentally available to talk and not while in the midst of an already emotionally charged conversation. Both parties need to be willing to give it the time and effort it needs to be a successful exchange. Learned that one the hard way! 😆

M I R R O R -- 

Repeat or summarize what your partner has said, then check to see if you got it right. **Pro-tip y’all: Your partner needs to know ahead of time you will be doing this. Otherwise, it could come off as sarcastic and we don’t want all that drama, now do we?** Mirroring is a huge component of active listening - it works wonder if the person being mirrored can tell you are truly listening and taking the time to understand them. You don’t need to repeat them word for word, but enough for them to feel that you got it. Then, ask if you got it right and see if there is anything else the other person wants to share. 

V A L I D A T E -- 

Once you have gotten confirmation from your partner that you mirrored them correctly, then you need to validate them. Communicate to them that what they said: “makes sense to you because….” For me personally, this is where it starts to get real good. 

One of the things I seek most in any relationship is to be understood and validated. As women, we are somewhat conditioned to believe we are crazy and expect to be treated as such. So hearing from our partner, our most sought after person, that we are not crazy and to be validated, is magical! The person sharing and being validated will most likely drop their defenses at this point. And that’s when you bring it on home to the final step.

E M P A T H I Z E --

In this step you share with your partner what you think they might be feeling, and see if that’s correct. You guess or identify the emotions you think they are feeling or that they are displaying. 

Let’s say your partner is sad because they don’t feel appreciated for all the unseen chores they do, and they’ve expressed that they’re upset. Then you say, “I can imagine that you might feel sad and taken advantage of when your hard work isn’t acknowledged. I’m sure that’s disheartening.” BINGO! You have now not only shown them you hear them, you get why they’re upset, but that you empathize with their feelings. 

It’s important not to just say “I understand and I see why you would feel that way” but name the emotion your partner is feeling or expressing. Take the extra step to make sure there is no doubt you have their back and get what they are trying to express. 

I made a graph below to give you an example of what the “receiver” says when using Imago Dialogue. The “sender” is the person sharing their feelings and the receiver is the person being told the information. Self-explanatory, but ya know…

We’ve pulled this off successfully only a handful of times, but are excited to have it as a tool for feeling heard and understanding each other. At first I tried to, as the sender, tell Phil I wanted to do the Imago Dialogue (ID) in the heat of the moment of a disagreement. I wanted him to try and hear my side and to make me feel heard. We told our counselor about that failed tactic and he said that’s not really when ID comes into play.

ID is to be used in a stand alone moment outside of an argument or to prevent one from starting. The other party must agree to taking the time to going through the steps. If the receiver is not in the mood or doesn’t have the emotional/mental capacity to receive the information the sender is wanting to share, then no dice. The sender will end up hurt and the receiver might be resentful of the process.

Additionally, step 3 (empathy) doesn’t come super naturally for Phil. He may know how to convey it non-verbally, but he has a hard time finding the words to express his empathy. While he is more emotional than maybe some men are traditionally raised to be (and I’m grateful), my emotions don’t always resonate with him.

Conversely, I struggle to be patient with waiting for us both to be ready to take on ID when I’m wanting to get something off my chest. Sometimes that has to do with how emotionally charged I am when I ask if we can talk. If I am coming from a genuinely calm and kind place, Phil can see that and it’s off we go!

So far, we see tremendous benefit of using ID because we have felt it work for us. When pulled off intentionally and carefully, both parties leave feeling awesome and in sync with their partner. It takes constant practice but is worth the trial and error.

Do you think you and your partner would find Imago Dialogue helpful? I’d love to hear what you think of this - better yet, if you have put this dialogue into practice! Let me know in the comments.