The COVID19 Lockdown Forced us to Work Through a Rough Spot in our Marriage
Heading into this time “safer at home” Phil and I were in the middle of a rough patch. Which sounds like an AWESOME time to be forced to be together 24/7… right?!
We had been seeing an advisor at the Nashville Financial Empowerment Center and taking a hard look at our financial situation and making a plan to get out of the red. Seeing everything laid out like that and what it was going to take to get us out of it put both of us on edge pretty much constantly. Our bickering got more personal and our general attitude between us became rude and short. We weren’t able to understand where the other one was coming from and defenses were pretty much always up. It was really hard. We were fighting daily and sometimes more than once a day.
All of this started leading into when I got sick on March 10th (just some random virus, non-COVID19 or flu). Also right before that were the Nashville tornados that wrecked homes and businesses just one neighborhood down from us. Tornados put Phil in a PTSD-like state since he survived the Tuscaloosa tornadoes in 2011. We were completely spared by the tornados, thank God, but the devastation was close to our home and took places we loved. Our community had been forever changed, and we were grateful to be okay but stressed and scared by the reality of what had happened.
The first half of March hit us hard. We were pushed emotionally and mentally in ways we had not been pushed in such a concentrated amount of time. At one point in early March, before the pandemic was officially declared, we fought so bad and I felt so deeply misunderstood and defeated that I was at my wit’s end. I considered leaving and spending a few days or a week at my parent’s house. We both believe divorce is not an option for us, but taking a break from the constant fighting felt like what I needed to reset my frame of mind and get perspective on how to help us move forward. When Phil heard me say that I felt like I needed to leave, it shook him. I think that is the moment he laid his weapons down and saw how hurt and broken-hearted I had become.
Phil felt like every time I said his name it was to tell him to do something or fuss at him. He felt like he couldn’t do anything right, and so to protect himself, he was pretty much living at the ready for an argument. And when that occurred he shut down and wouldn’t hear me out. He had already decided I was going to be mad at him, so it got ugly and mean fast.
I felt like Phil wasn’t listening to me. He didn’t seem to care that I was hurt and upset or care to know why. I felt like he was brushing me off, not taking me seriously or appreciating me. I felt shut out and like he saw me as a nag or a constant bother.
The reality was somewhere in the middle. He wasn’t listening because I was nagging. I was nagging because I felt like he wasn’t listening. We were stuck in a vicious cycle and we had stopped seeing each other in a positive light. The narrative was written in my head, and I didn’t see the things I loved when I looked at him. I started hearing my inner dialogue say “He is such a jerk” when we would just be casually talking. I let it poison my view of him. Something had to give.
I started sharing with my therapist who gave me great tips throughout the 3 sessions we had during our rough patch. I also shared a lot with a close friend who can relate and has helped me walk through tough times before. Here are a few things I have learned that have helped us IMMENSELY.
As soon as I start to hear those internal negative thoughts about my husband, I have to stop them and list things I love about him (even if I’m not feeling them in the moment). It helped to have a list already made up in my head of things I could say. Because sometimes in the moment it's hard to come up with something when you’re mad.
When I felt like we weren’t seeing eye-to-eye and getting nowhere, just table the discussion. Take a breather and come back to it once everyone is calm.
Being more clear about what I need from him as a partner (in a disagreement and when in distress in general).
Having an outlet for talking through my emotions that isn’t my partner. Not to keep things from him or to just trash him, but to have a trusted resource that isn’t going to judge either of us. It helps to know you aren’t alone in your struggles.
Alone time!!! If we want to watch different things, we do. Since neither of us is leaving the house, watching TV in separate rooms helps. Also, running errands without the other one or just going on a solo drive has provided us with the space we need.
Write it down. If I have a lot I want to say to him or I am extra frustrated then sometimes it’s helpful to write what I want to say in the notes section of my phone then come back to it once I’ve cooled off and see what I actually want to say.
We are doing so much better. We have had some great days and weeks lately. We aren’t immune to the place we were just a few weeks ago. But the fact that we were able to make such progress while basically locked up together over the past 45 days is pretty remarkable.
I love Phil. He is amazing, caring, kind-hearted, funny, and loving. He is a great partner. We are constantly growing and learning together and as individuals. We will continue to find ourselves in hard spots throughout our life together. I just pray we keep finding our way out of those and keep growing stronger each time.
If you and your partner are having a hard time and you feel like you are alone in your struggle, you are NOT! Even though you may feel like you are surrounded by perfect couples and people with husbands who don’t seem to ever mess up, trust me, there are more people than you know going through something similar. Find your community and lean on them. I am sharing what we have been going through in hopes to help people who are in similar positions.
Stay strong, stay safe, and stay at home y’all!