This Isn't What I Thought Turning 30 Would Look Like

I am mere weeks away from turning 30 years old.

I have so many thoughts about turning 30 and what that means and what’s in store for me in the next 10 years. Lately, I’ve been consumed with what my body will be at 30. I’m not just talkin’ wrinkles, ‘cause girl, let me tell you I’m thinking ‘bout that too. What’s weighing on my mind these days is my body and my literal weight. 

Okay, before anyone freaks out and starts in on me about this I’ll say it has everything to do with how I feel at this weight. Strictly speaking numbers, I have gained 30 lbs since our wedding. And I get it, it’s been almost 3 years and “wedding weight” can be a whole other topic. But for me, it sucks. 

I don’t care how many years it took for me to find this weight, I don’t care that I was a ‘lil extra skinny on my wedding day. I saw a number on the scale a few weeks ago that was a solid 10lbs over my “max weight” (a number I promised myself I wouldn’t go over). It sent me into a depression and I felt oh so sorry for myself. 

And I know, I know, it’s not just about the number on the scale. So let’s talk about how my clothes fit, “not well, b*tch” (my absolute favorite line from Real Housewives of NY). I have truly lived Regina George’s line “these sweatpants are all that fit me right now,” and I’ll be honest working from home makes that acceptable.

My mom and I have been trying to find something for me to wear for my birthday dinner and every time I end up shutting down and saying “I can’t do this right now.” I have refused to buy new clothes; out of some sort of weird punishment and promise to myself that I don’t need bigger pants cause I’m not going to be back to this weight anyhow. But that excuse isn’t sustainable.

I know this might seem utterly ridiculous to some people. I’m not at a troublesome weight by U.S. standards and people who have fought this battle for a while are probably busting out their little violins. But at the same time, it’s kind of silly that I’m defending myself for the way I feel about my weight. Because for me, this hurts. I don’t feel good about myself, I’m discouraged when I get dressed. I don’t want my husband to see me without my clothes on, and I don’t trust him when he says I am pretty. At this point, it’s officially seeped into every fiber of my brain. It affects my ability to love myself. 

So, here we are. Less than 30 days until I turn 30. I refuse to start such a pivotal decade feeling this way. I’m not waiting for a “New Years Resolution” I’m starting now. I’m going to be doing the hard work on the inside and the outside. By my birthday (New Year’s Eve) I’m going to love myself and accept whatever I look like that day.

Plan for the inside: I’m going to EFT Tapping (also known as psychological acupressure) every single day. During that time I am going to try and re-wire my mind to love myself as I am. I’m also going to use my “I’m Lovable” journal daily. 

Plan for the outside: I am going to do some sort of workout daily. Either go on a walk or use my Obé app to get in a good HIIT workout. Also, I’m going all-in on intermittent fasting. Meaning I’ll only be eating during an 8-hour window each day. If I finish dinner at 6pm I won’t eat again until 10am. I know fasting sounds extreme, but it’s actually a great re-set for your body and lets your body have time to break down what you’ve eaten before the next day. 

I’m gonna leave this here for now, and we’ll circle back in 2020 and see how I am feeling. And I won’t give some bs about feeling better if I don’t. Wish me self-love and luck! 

xo Han 

If you’re a FRIENDS fan you know this is from “The One Where They All Turn Thirty” - one of my absolute favorite episodes!

More on EFT Tapping by my favorite: Gala Darling (she doesn’t have the cleanest mouth so family members beware.)

 I’m Lovable! Inner-Truth® Journal - It’s not in production anymore but they have similar ones.

Obé Fitness App - the link will take you to a 30% off code for your first month!

Intermittent Fasting - There is tons more research out there but this is a pretty quick and easy video about the basics.